March 4, 2021 – Thrown for a loop.

Would you like to know the best way to throw me for a loop? If you don’t know, I will gladly tell you. First, give me a minimum of two things to choose between. Let’s say, for instance, you have asked me to choose between two restaurants to dine at. Be aware that the more choices you give, the longer it will take for me to reach a decision. The restaurants you have selected are Ivar’s Fish & Chips and Panera Bread (which serves primarily sandwiches). Before I proceed, you must know that my Pisces brain does not like to ‘choose’. The more choices it is presented with, the more confused and overwhelmed it becomes. Regardless, two choices are doable. When I have to decide which one outweighs the other, many things are taken into consideration. I’m already very hungry and am about to gnaw off my own arm, so time is of the essence. ‘Which restaurant did I eat at last’, ‘who has the best specials’, ‘is it for lunch or dinner’ (makes a big difference), ‘do I have a gift card for either one’, and ‘which one is closest’ are the questions I ask myself.

“Brain, don’t fail me now,” I tell myself, “The pressure’s on!” As I go through each question, my brain answers as follows, “The last restaurant you went to was Panera Bread, neither offers any specials but Ivar’s does offer a 10% military discount, it’s for dinner, I do have a gift card for Panera Bread that will cover both meals, and it is slightly closer than Ivar’s (but not by much). Great! It sounds like Panera’s got the win, right? Wrong! There are many things going for it; nonetheless, I’m not done yet. I still need to know where the person I’m joining for lunch wants to go (because I don’t want to be a selfish jerk that only thinks of themselves) and I forgot to mention that I also have to factor in what my last meal was. As it stands, I had a ham sandwich and potato chips for lunch. In these situations, what I tend to do (and prefer to do) is agree with whatever or wherever my lunch or dinner companion decides, but since it’s my husband, he refuses to choose because, “He always has to choose and I should have to do it sometimes.” Oh, great! No easy out for me.

Ok. Hmm. Oh, wait! What am I doing? This is easy!! Since I already had a sandwich for lunch, I don’t want to have another for dinner. That’s one rule I cannot break. I can never eat the same or similar foods back to back. When I used to eat breakfast at home and then go to work to start my shift and discover they were having ‘breakfast for lunch’, I’d nearly have a mental breakdown. Call it neurotic, call it what you will, that’s just how I roll. Ivar’s it is!! Haha! Not so fast! This is when I get thrown for a loop. Why? Because right after I announce my decision, my husband says, “What about Red Lobster? We haven’t gone there in a while.” Oh, no! Another choice?! You just read what I go through to make a simple decision. Now I have to start all over again, doing the same side-by-side comparisons in order to make a determination. This time, however, I must factor in the all-you-can-eat hot and melty cheddar bay biscuits, the oh-so-delicious fried prawns, and the baked potato served with a large scoop of real butter.

If you could see me now, you’d probably notice smoke coming out of my ears because my brain is beginning to short circuit. I had already made a decision and was proud of myself for reaching one in under 15 minutes, but now I am literally back to square one. Ok. Now that you are aware of how my brain works over a simple thing like ‘choosing a restaurant for lunch or dinner’, imagine what it must be like when it’s about much more important things. For example, regarding my therapy (and therapist) and whether to commit to what I had already decided yesterday, or to reconsider after something equivalent to ‘Red Lobster’ was added to the equation. What is equivalent to ‘Red Lobster’? That’s when the owner of the business personally reaches out (via phone), apologizes profusely multiple times, and makes all kinds of assurances to convince me to stay. I was completely shocked and I have to tell you, I’m half considering it.

Of the assurances, I was told that their office was going to write off my balance. And that I was not to worry, there would be no further requests for payment, aside from the copay which is due at the time of service (should I come in for future visits). She said she was going to take it upon herself to refile the claim that was returned and that she would personally handle my account from here on out. “All you need to do (moving forward) is come in for your appointment and pay your copay, we’ll handle the rest,” I was told sincerely and convincingly. She also indicated that she knew how hard it was to ‘start over with a new therapist’ and that they’d love me to stay, but understood if I decided not to. Ack! I am so confused! The one request I made in my blog the other day, how I just wanted to be able to come in for my therapy session, pay my copay, and carry on how ever way I saw fit afterward, they are willing to grant this request!

I am surprised the smoke coming out of my ears hasn’t set off the smoke alarm. Earlier this afternoon, I literally had just finished speaking with my husband about my intent to send their office a check for the amount they requested (along with a letter that stated I would not be returning and why), when the phone rang. I always like to get his feedback before I do anything. He looks at things from a different perspective (less emotional) so it’s really helpful. As usual, he said he’d support whatever decision I made. When I answered the phone, the lady on the other end told me her name and said she was the owner of the counseling office. You know the rest (read the last paragraph if you need a refresher). I just have a simple question. Why does this stuff happen in life? I finally reach a decision after processing and reprocessing over a 5-day period, and once I’ve made up my mind, the Universe throws me a curveball or a ‘Red Lobster’.

If there isn’t a ‘groove’ in my brain due to the number of times I’ve thought about this, I’d be surprised. It’s like a groove in a record. I keep trying to distract my brain with other things, like when I shout out ‘Squirrel!’ or ‘Kitty-cat!’ as a means of entertainment when walking my dog, but my thoughts always manage to follow the bread crumbs back to that confounded groove in my gray matter and get stuck there. After I talked to the owner, I did walk my dog, and during that time it felt as if I’d been transported right back to one of the earlier stages of the ‘5 stages of grieving’. The sun was out, the air was still, and it was an absolutely beautiful day, but I couldn’t enjoy it. All I could think was, “Now what do I do?” I had made a decision and felt pretty confident about it. My husband was in agreement. I actually slept the entire night last night and felt much better than I had in days. Life was good. One phone call was all it took to undo all the progress I made.

“Let me allow it to marinate for a while and I’ll let you know later what I intend to do,” I told the owner of the counseling office prior to hanging up the phone. When I said that, I don’t think I realized what I was setting myself up for because I’ve been confused, perplexed, and unclear ever since. I don’t like making decisions in the first place, especially ‘big’ ones. It’s probably why, despite all the reasons I can come up with as to why we should relocate, we’ll never move. Never. It’s why, once I hang a picture on the wall, it will remain there indefinitely. It’s why I eat the exact same thing for breakfast, week after week, month after month. If someone ever tried to switch out my oatmeal with a piece of toast, I’d probably blow a gasket. All I can think to do about this whole ‘therapy thing’ is allow it to process without giving it too much thought and see how things shake out in the end. I heard my brain just say, “Good luck with that!!” Dang it! My brain knows me too well.

Maybe I just need to get back to finishing the bathroom. For some reason, the answers seem to come to me in there. And no, I’m not referring to when I’m sitting upon ‘the throne’. That is completely possible, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need to resume work in there anyway because I’m tired of living amongst construction supplies. The bathroom’s been ‘in progress’ since August of last year and I just want it done so I can put my energy and focus elsewhere, like the master bedroom (which has been ‘in progress’ since August of 2014). Anyway, before I go, I do want to apologize for returning to this same tired topic yet again. I really, truly believed it was resolved. I pinky-swear promise to talk about something else (hopefully uplifting) tomorrow. Thank you so much for stopping by. For the folks that are ‘following’ me, I am grateful for you and the continued interest you have in reading my blog. If all goes well and I haven’t run you off, I trust you will return tomorrow as will I.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: