August 19, 2021 – The Great Unknown

The last couple of days have been tough, my friends. I feel a great deal of apprehension about this upcoming move. There are so many unknowns spiraling around in my head, that I keep getting overwhelmed and feel like shutting down (i.e.; taking a nap and forgetting about my troubles). The immediate unknown I’m facing is whether I’m going to be able to get rid of all of the massive furniture pieces which, despite being advertised at bargain-basement prices, are still taking up a considerable amount of space in my home. The clock is ticking and there’s been little interest in my furniture items (2 different couch sets and a complete bedroom suite). If they don’t sell and I cannot give them away, there is only one other option (the landfill). I refuse to toss perfectly good furniture into the mouth of that gluttonous beast! Needless to say, I’m pulling out all of the stops to try and find someone, anyone, willing to take all of this furniture off my hands. Every few days, I drop the prices just a little bit more (hoping to get some sort of compensation), but so far my efforts haven’t yielded any results.

What I find fascinating is that my husband hasn’t had any trouble, apart from the ShopSmith, selling any of his shop or automotive ‘stuff’. The air compressor, parts cleaner, and sand blast cabinet practically flew out the door. And when we posted a huge lot of Harley parts and accessories late this afternoon, we had a buyer within a matter of hours. Such is not the case with my furniture pieces. In lieu of ‘flying out the door’ like the shop and automotive items, they are leaving at a snail’s pace (if at all). As much as I try to convince myself that everything is going to work out in the end, I cannot help but worry. I know it seems silly that I waste so much time worrying about the furniture, but to tell you the truth, it’s the least of my worries. When I think ahead to the coming days, weeks, and months to come, I become consumed with fear and dread. I think to myself, “Did I make the right decision? Should I have left everything in the hands of fate? Will my marriage survive the move? What will I do for work? Where will we live (after we move out of my father-in-law’s basement)?” Of course, the question I ponder the most is, “Will I be happy?”

I really believe all of us ponder that question on a fairly regular basis. It’s right up there with, “What is the meaning of life?” To date, happiness has eluded me. I cannot explain why. Sure, there are fleeting moments, but they don’t stick around for long. During this past year, I’ve recognized that I really enjoy writing. It has provided me with an outlet for my creativity and it has been incredibly therapeutic. I also enjoy photography. It’s especially satisfying when I’ve taken a bunch of pictures, and once I load them onto my computer, discover that I was able to capture a really beautiful and unique image (or several). Far too often, I miss once-in-a-lifetime ‘Kodak moments’, so it’s extremely gratifying when I find myself with camera in hand at just the right time. Outside of creative writing and photography, I am at a loss as to what brings me joy. There were certain things that defined me before I had my transplant and it seems they’ve all fallen by the wayside. I used to love to paint and dance and laugh…and eat untold amounts of sugary sweets. I lived my life with wild abandon.

Now? I feel like I’m starting from scratch. And it isn’t just me who has noticed the change, even my brother (Clover) said to me the other day, “I don’t know who you are anymore,” to which I responded, “Neither do I.” I really don’t. I feel so completely lost. That feeling, compounded by all of the other ‘unknowns’ I’m dealing with, has left me reeling. Getting the house on the market was a nice distraction; it helped me put my focus elsewhere. But now that things have settled down a bit, I’m back ‘in my head’. I hate it because it’s a place full of self-criticism, judgement, self-loathing, fear, and doubt. While I was digitizing the final VHS tape that I had in my possession the other day, I came across footage I’d never seen before. My brother (Dapper Dan) had taken it during his visit over the holidays. On one hand, I was delighted because it included a bunch of clips (that I never knew existed) of my precious children. On the other hand, there were also several of me. When I stood back and watched several of the scenes where I was featured, I was repulsed by what I saw. Looking at the image of my 28-year-old self, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, I found nothing redeeming. I don’t even know why that surprises me because I still don’t like what I see in the mirror.

I must apologize because it was not my intent to go ‘there’, but go ‘there’ I did. I will now attempt to go ‘elsewhere’, hopefully somewhere that is a little less dreary. Geez, does anybody have a suggestion? I could use some help in this department. On top of my own troubles (if you can call them that), the other people/places/things I often think about are Afghanistan, Haiti, climate change, all of the divisiveness amongst people (in general), Covid-19, and historic fires and floods. Oh. You’re not having any luck either? I know! It’s tough!! After 10 minutes of watching the national nightly news, I have little hope for the human race or the planet. Maybe I should stick with reading or viewing the local news. Their top story for the day was titled ‘Squirrel Starts Fire’. It’s hard not to find some humor in that story. Personally, I’d love to interview that squirrel to figure out how he/she/it did it. Was there a book of matches lying around or maybe some flint and steel? Clearly, this is not your average squirrel! Most of the squirrels in my neighborhood stick to raiding the bird feeder and/or burying a bunch of acorns in my garden. I’ve never had to worry about them torching my house, that’s for sure!

Good grief. I just glanced at the clock and I cannot believe how long it’s taking me to finish my post. It’s going at a snail’s pace, just like the rate I’m selling my furniture and the rate I’m packing all of the things I intend to take. Last night, I did manage to go through all of the paperwork in my office and set aside all of the things to keep on (or near) my person should I need them for any reason during this time of transition. Ordinarily, I would not carry around a briefcase filled with passports, passwords, powers-of-attorney documentation, my last will and testament, and my dog’s vaccination records, but I’d rather have it in a briefcase (and handy) rather than stuffed in a box (located behind and beneath several others) in a storage unit (which may or may not be in the same city I’m living in while looking for permanent housing). I would love it if I could just put stuff in boxes, label the boxes and tape them shut, but I don’t work that way. Over the last three days, I have sought out every place inside and outside of my home that a music CD might be hiding, and once found, reunited with its case.

In an attempt to only bring what we ‘need’, I have painstakingly gone through and separated the ‘wants’ from the ‘needs’ and eliminated most of the ‘wants’. That’s a little tougher with paperwork because even though I really don’t want most of it, I still ended up with a ton because of the ‘7 year’ rule. Well, that’s not entirely true, that only pertains to one drawer (in one of my file cabinets). In addition to that drawer, I have another devoted exclusively to medical records. Why do I feel it’s necessary to hang onto my doctor’s notes from 1977 (when I had an appendectomy), along with every invoice, lab result, and ‘patient consent form’ since then? Beats me! Another drawer is filled with operating manuals and three different categories of sentimental or ‘must keep’ cards and/or letters. And yet another drawer contains everything else (automotive records, current year bank statements, utility bills, sales receipts, certificates, etc.). Up until last week, I couldn’t justify hanging onto all of my receipts (for items in excessive of $100), however, my diligence/hoarding finally paid off! The battery on my car went belly up a few days ago and I was able to get a free replacement because I hung onto the receipt.

Something like that rarely happens and it’s hard not to smile when a piece of equipment breaks or breaks down when it’s still under warranty and gets replaced for free. What I have found throughout my life is that (99 times out of 100) when I purchase something with a warranty, it breaks right after the warranty expires. I liken the amount of frustration I experience when that happens to when I (unknowingly) try to return something the day after the return period has expired. Geesh, I just realized how tired I am and how late/early it is. My husband just walked by (in his underwear) and I wasn’t sure whether he was getting up for good or getting up temporarily to retrieve some Tums from the kitchen (which has become a regular thing), so I glanced at the clock yet again. Observing my husband (out of bed) at this hour has left me with more ‘unknowns’. Why on earth does my poor husband continually suffer from heartburn? He didn’t even eat candy today. And how on earth is it even possible to take 4+ hours to write 8 paragraphs? I cannot begin to tell you because I’m pretty sure my brain cells shorted out about 6 paragraphs ago. What I can tell you is that I’m calling it a night and that’s about the only thing I’m sure of at this point.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope I wasn’t too much of a ‘Debbie Downer’. May your day be filled with peace, wisdom, joy, and blessings.

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