September 18, 2021 – Countdown

Somehow, some way, I have nearly fulfilled my promise to you, my readers. In the beginning, when I initially made the commitment to post daily, I was facing 365 days. It seemed insurmountable. However, I am now facing a mere ten. In ten more days, I can either continue what I’ve been doing (posting every single day), or I can choose to write whenever I please (without any parameters), or I can stop altogether. I cannot envision stopping altogether as the process of writing brings me a great deal of joy; however, if life gets complicated, I may have to temporarily move it to the back burner. As I look back, it is difficult to imagine that the finish line is just up ahead and within reach. So many times I have contemplated quitting! I have often thought to myself, “Why on earth did I make such a huge commitment?!” I had a tendency to ‘go there’ on the days when I was emotionally and/or physically exhausted. Considering what I’ve been through during the past year, especially since June when my husband and I made the decision to relocate, I’m amazed that I’ve never missed a day.

Today is one of those days when I would have preferred to go to bed at a decent hour, rather than stay up well into the early hours of the morning in order to write. It’s been an unbelievably emotionally draining day. The reason it’s been so draining is because I found ‘the’ house. Yes, I know, a couple of days ago I was dead set on buying my father-in-law’s home; however, after speaking with my children (who know me too well), I changed my mind. I realized I was only doing it for the sake of ‘ease’ but I think it would have backfired. My daughter said I needed to imagine where I truly wanted to be and what I wanted from my life, and staying here and ‘settling’ doesn’t fit into that ‘vision’. The problem with finding ‘the’ house is that I’m not the only one who thinks it’s the one for them. When my husband and I went to look at it this afternoon, we found out that it had back-to-back showings and already had an offer. It’s a fixer-upper but it’s nothing like the last one we purchased, and the location is amazing! This morning, my realtor sent me a list of all the homes that were just listed and without even seeing it, I knew. I immediately felt the ‘zing’.

I had hoped the fact that it’s a fixer-upper would deter people, but with the real estate market the way it is, I don’t think it made the slightest difference. I’ve been ‘zinging’ all day, and once I got a chance to view ‘the’ house, I felt like soaring. Even though the house needs work (and updating), it’s been well maintained and has only had one owner since it was built in 1978. The neighborhood is beautiful and quiet, and the lot is huge (1/2 acre). There is also a private lake available for use by the homeowners in the subdivision. What I’m worried about is what’s going to happen if/when our realtor tells us we’ve been outbid. We have an upper limit as to what we’re willing to pay and I’m pretty sure someone else is going to offer far more. While still holding out hope, I’m trying not to get too worked up because I don’t want to take an emotional nosedive if things don’t work out in our favor. But I have to tell you, I’m SO EXCITED!! Even though I’m exhausted, I’m not even sure I can sleep. If we do get the contract on the house, we will have to get another mortgage, but it’ll be half of what we financed the last go-round.

I know, I know, I said I didn’t want to get another mortgage. The issue is, everything I’ve seen so far that is within our budget is total garbage. My husband wanted me to look at another property after we found ‘the’ house and it didn’t compare. From the Google view, I knew beforehand that it was on a super busy street, and Google didn’t fail me. Holy crap! It was busy and it was l-o-u-d. The only thing going for the house was the size of the lot, but I cannot think of anything else positive to mention. It was just another great, big disappointment. My husband knew checking it out was likely a huge waste of time because I had already made my mind up prior to pulling into the driveway, but we went anyway. Our realtor told us she was available to show us more homes tomorrow but I don’t see the point. I found what I want and until we hear a ‘yea’ or a ‘nay’ from the homeowner regarding our offer, I don’t want to waste my time looking at another piece of property. My husband would prefer to keep looking because just like all our previous homes, this one doesn’t have a shop. Well, actually it does, but it’s not what my husband had in mind.

This home has a shop in the basement but my husband said it wouldn’t be very useful when he had to work on his motorcycle. True. It would be suitable for woodworking purposes, but not for vehicles. “There’s plenty of room to build a shop on the side of the property,” I assured him. “With what money?” he asked. Also true. If we buy this house we’ll be back in ‘the hole’, but there may be no getting around it. Compared to most, our mortgage payment would be pretty reasonable, but we’d be back to owing ‘the man’. I hate being in debt to anyone, let alone ‘the man’. I’m not sure which is worse, paying cash for a home I hate, or getting a ‘small’ loan for one I love. I just have to keep reminding myself of the saying that it seems like everyone tends to reference at times like these, “Everything happens for a reason.” Our realtor mentioned it today and it was also something my mom said more than a time or two over the years. Our realtor also told us that if this home doesn’t work out, something better will come along. For her sake and ours, I hope she’s right.

Anyway, enough about ‘the’ house. I want it so desperately but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I’ve allowed ‘fate’ to decide our path thus far, and if we’re destined to get the contract on ‘the’ house, ‘fate’ will make it happen. Ack! It’s so hard not to talk or think about it!! Geesh, I’ve got to change the subject before I drive myself bananas. Maybe it’s best to go back to the topic of the ‘countdown’. As I said before, I am mere days away from reaching my goal and I’m so excited to be able to say I’ve held in there despite numerous obstacles. I could have easily quit and said I wasn’t capable, but I didn’t. ‘Quitting’ was something I did on a regular basis in my younger years, but I never felt good about it when I did. I’ve ‘quit’ so many things when they became ‘too difficult’, from relationships to jobs to school, but I am determined to change that! I want to finish out this life on a ‘good note’ and stop making excuses when things or people or situations become challenging. When I cross that ultimate ‘finish line’ (aka ‘kicking the bucket’, ‘croaking’, ‘meeting my maker’), I want it to be with my held high (and not down in shame).

Man, I’m really struggling with this blog post tonight! I thought I was nearly done and after counting the paragraphs I’ve completed, realized I’m only on paragraph seven. How is that possible?! What more is there to say that I haven’t already said? I suppose I could mention the funeral I attended yesterday, the one where I felt like an imposter. I actually was going to devote an entire post to the events of yesterday but I cannot imagine who would want to spend their valuable time reading about how I felt like the ‘odd (wo)man out’ during the service and for the better part of the day? Honestly, what else is new? I’ve been like this for most of my life, never feeling as though I ‘fit in’ or ‘belong’. I cannot be sure what it stems from, whether it’s from my upbringing or just the way I was designed. Even when people make a concerted effort to welcome me, I am skeptical and resistant. I’m so accustomed to people having an agenda, that I always think there’s a ‘catch’. If you grew up in the family I grew up in, you’d probably feel that way, too. Nothing is ever done without something expected in return. ‘Selfless’ wasn’t and isn’t a word used to describe my family members; ‘selfish’ would be a much more accurate adjective.

Ordinarily, I try to be ‘selfless’ and think about other people and their feelings, and have a tendency to put myself last; however, I am feeling so selfish right now! My husband had that dejected look after we walked through ‘the’ house and it was because, once again, the shop I repeatedly promised he would finally get was MIA. Will he survive without a shop? Of course, he will. We’ve gone this long and he’s always managed to ‘find a way’ to get his projects done without one. He must feel a lot like I do when I haven’t had a proper studio to work out of. I’ve ‘made do’ but it kind of sucks. I have managed in the past but trying to paint at the dining room table or at the kitchen counter is a very different experience than when I’ve been able to work out of a studio. In a studio, everything is within arm’s reach. I don’t have to haul my supplies from one end of the house to the other, work on my art for a few hours, and then put everything back in order to make room for the evening meal. Sigh.

I guess I just have to wait and see what ‘fate’ determines. Even though my husband was disappointed about the shop, he told me that as long as I’m happy, he’s happy. I don’t know that I’ll ever truly be ‘happy’, but the idea that we might be able to live in that house sure puts a smile on my face! All right, I’d better go. It’s ‘that time’ again. Wish me luck…and I’ll let you know the outcome (hopefully) in a day or two.

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