It’s October already?! How is this even possible? Feels like I just got used to writing ‘2020’ on my checks (yes, I still write checks) and it’s nearly 2021!! Anyhow, today I thought I’d share a bit about personal wardrobe choices. Seems a bit trivial, I know, but that’s where my thoughts have been for most of the day. Now keeping in mind that I had eight siblings, 5 of whom were boys, 3 of whom were closest to my age, there was no shortage of pants in our family. The practice of ‘hand-me-downs’ was also quite common, as it seems to be with large families. Since the female nearest in age to me is/was 8 years my senior, ‘hand-me-downs’ from her were pretty much out of the question. My mom could ‘squeeze a nickel’ like no other, so it made sense that although I was a girl, sometimes you just have to make do with what you’ve got, right? The result? I often wore what my brothers grew out of. Let me be clear, that did not include any undergarments (unless you’re referring to socks). Speaking of undergarments, what’s up with thrift stores selling used underwear? I’m sorry, but I draw the line at used underwear. There is not enough bleach and detergent in this world and no amount of scrubbing that would convince me to put on a stranger’s old ‘drawers’. Frankly, I’d rather be naked. If you knew me, that’s saying a lot. Anyway, back to pants.
From an early age, pants were part of my wardrobe. Very rarely would I be seen in a dress. But pants were advantageous, they made sense, especially when you hang around with a bunch of older brothers and do the kind of stuff that they do. It would be very prohibitive to wear anything other than pants when you want to swing from a rope or climb a tree. Yes, I did a lot of tree climbing in my day and I didn’t just hoist myself up to the lowest branch and hang out. I would literally climb up to the highest branch (that could handle my weight without bending or cracking) and spend some good quality time observing what was going on in the neighborhood below. And there I’d sit, along with some crows on occasion and a few sparrows. And me and the crows had an understanding (the sparrows, not so much). I left them alone, they left me alone. You don’t want to piss off a crow because however small the infraction, they will remember and they will hold a grudge. Trust me on this. Anyway, if it wasn’t raining, which it often did, the usual day involved playing outdoors and doing lots of activities that included throwing, climbing, running and jumping and getting dirty, really dirty.
Have you figured out I wasn’t a girly-girl? This is where the conversation segues to dresses and how utterly useless they are. As you’ve probably guessed, I didn’t have many. Yes, they are cute and on the right people, very flattering. But when you put one on me, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. I might as well be standing there naked amongst a bunch of other naked people (that makes me REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE) because that’s how uncomfortable I feel when ‘required’ to wear one. With dresses, there is so much more involved. There is shaving, first of all. Don’t get me started on shaving! Then, there’s lotion or pantyhose (take your pick). Maybe when you’re a kid you can sidestep the lotion or pantyhose but not once you get up in your years and develop legs like mine. I just would rather spare the public and not dangle them in their face. Have you ever worn pantyhose? How about pantyhose with a unitard or jumpsuit? Let’s just say that if you like having your abdomen squished and enjoy long periods of discomfort, pantyhose are for you! I am not even going to mention ‘the runs’. Ok, I can see I need to clarify once again. When I said, ‘the runs’, I was referring to what happens when you do the slightest thing to pantyhose (straighten them, pull them up, take them off). Inevitably, a lovely ‘run’ will appear, making it impossible to wear them more than once. I am not talking about what happens when you eat a large smothered burrito followed by a milkshake.
Back to dresses. There is so much to consider when you choose to wear one. You have to take into account things such as how to get out of a car without revealing your ‘nether-regions’, how to sit, whether to wear a slip, and so on. It requires a lot of thinking and it makes my brain hurt. If you look in my wardrobe today, can you guess how many dresses I have? I have precisely one. Wait. Now I question that. It may have gotten placed in the last box of things I donated to the thrift store. I remember thinking as I was decluttering, “When the hell am I going to have to wear another dress?” If I need a dress, which will likely NEVER happen, I can pick one up at the local department store. The point is, in my opinion, if you’re considering pants vs. dresses, pants win. Hands down. If you think about it, what if you want to ride a horse? It does happen on occasion. I am just saying that if you do, and you’re a dress person, you’d better have some pants on standby. And for those of you that are wondering, when I made my last donation to the thrift shop, NO, I did not donate my old underwear.
My entire family is insane. 