September 26, 2021 – The Number Two

I feel compelled to write about ‘the number two’ today for a variety of reasons, the primary reason being that I only have two more days left in my commitment to publish something daily on my blog and then I’ll have successfully finished out the year. Now, if you’re anything like me, when you read the title of today’s blog, you probably thought I’d be writing all about the mechanisms of the human body, including how it eliminates waste. Which, when you think about it, is really quite amazing. Of course, that discussion would likely have been followed by several paragraphs about all the different types of waste people excrete depending on what they’ve eaten (too much or too little fiber) or what ailment they’re experiencing (stomach flu vs. diabetes). And because I touched on those subcategories under the main category of ‘the number two’, it would be completely unacceptable to not then discuss the numerous ways we, as humans, go about ‘this process’.

Raised in a family with little awareness about how other people live, I thought everyone had the privilege of growing up in a home with indoor plumbing. My mom was raised during the depression and grew up utilizing an outhouse as a waste depository or repository; regardless, I thought those days were long over. Such is not the case, however. There are a lot of folks who use outhouses or buckets or nothing at all. Sometimes, people just drop their drawers and crap on the ground (or leave them on and ‘go’ in their pants). Before I found out differently, I thought only babies carried on this way, but after visiting some of the parks in the ‘big city’ where my family lives, it’s apparent that a good many adults do, too. I cannot judge because I personally have resorted to ‘copping a squat’ when the circumstances called for it (i.e.; tent camping with no porta-john or after coming down with food poisoning). As you know, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go! When that happens, and there’s no toilet in sight, ‘pride’ immediately takes a backseat to ‘necessity’.

You know, even though I didn’t intend to take this interpretation of ‘the number two’ as far as I have, I cannot help but mention a couple of other things before I can once-and-for-all move on. I am serious, I have a couple of short stories to share with you which specifically address what I’m about to refer to, ‘shape’ and ‘color’. I know! It’s totally gross!! But each instance has popped up in my mind enough times over the years that I think they’re worth passing on. You may or may not agree, and that’s totally ok. The first instance involved one of my coworkers when I was serving in the military. As it turned out, he was rather ‘ungentlemanly’. I found him to be crude and rude, and on top of that, he was a loudmouth. As such, would it surprise you if I were to tell you that one time he actually ‘invited’ people in our unit to view his poop after he deposited it into the toilet? I kid you not!! The sad thing is, several people took him up on his offer.

Yes! It’s totally true! If you don’t believe me, ask my husband. He was one of the people who had to view it out of curiosity’s sake. According to him, “It was quite the sight to behold, and nearly the diameter of a pop can.” Sorry about that, I couldn’t help it. Good luck trying to get that out of your head! Anyway, if I haven’t totally grossed you out and you’d like to read on, I must now share a story about ‘color’. And before I begin, know that I hadn’t educated myself a great deal about the ‘ins and outs’ of breastfeeding when I decided to ‘take the plunge’. Just like when I buy items that require assembly, I never read the instructions first. I fumble along until I figure things out. That’s how it went when I decided to breastfeed. As a diehard fan of red licorice, it didn’t take long to put ‘two and two’ together when I changed my son’s diaper. I used to eat red licorice like it was going out of style until I realized it was not only impacting me, it was impacting my infant son. How did I figure this out?

After two diaper changes at two different times (which both occurred shortly after I had consumed an entire bag of Red Vines), I made the connection. For clarification, if you’re not familiar with Red Vines, think ‘Red Velvet Cake’. Red Velvet Cake is actually chocolate cake but it looks red because of all of the red food dye that is added. That’s what my son’s poop resembled. The first time it happened I went into ‘panic mode’ because I thought something was seriously wrong with him, but when it happened a second time, it all ‘clicked’. Poor little guy! I had him all hopped up on sugar and was totally clueless. It’s no wonder he likes sweets so much! Ugh. Oh my goodness! I did it again! I started out with the best of intentions (or did I?) and wound up taking far too much of your time as I needlessly pursued this version or interpretation of ‘the number two’. What do you expect? As someone who is often told to ‘Get your mind out of the gutter’ or ‘Get your mind out of the sewer’, I simply couldn’t help myself.

I really do want to move on, I really do, but I just thought of one more thing. Have you ever considered how often people reference ‘the number two’ in a moment of anger or frustration or when putting themselves or others down? If I lost you, I am referring to when people use the word ‘Sh*t’ to express themselves. Think about it. Whenever I go anywhere with my husband (and he’s driving), I could fill a swear jar solely from his frequent use of the word ‘Dipsh*t’. Each time we approach a traffic circle and the person ahead of us doesn’t know ‘the rules’, he or she is a ‘Dipsh*t’. If someone drives below the speed limit, they’re a ‘Dipsh*t’. If they’re blasting their music so that everyone within a block can hear it, they’re a ‘Dipsh*t’. Overall, it seems pretty harmless when you compare it to another expression widely used, ‘Piece of sh*t’. That one really packs a punch when it’s used and although I don’t care to place people in that category, my nose would grow like Pinocchio’s if I said I’ve never uttered those words before.

Another widely used expression, ‘Sh*thead’, falls somewhere in the middle (in my opinion). Alas, I told you I was going to move on, and yet, I appear to be stuck. What the heck??!! Alright, that’s it! It’s time to get my head out of the sewer, and move on to bigger and better things! Yes! There are so many other ways ‘the number two’ is used and has been used throughout history. I can think of countless expressions. For example, there is ‘Two heads are better than one’, ‘It takes two’ (to tango), ‘I’ll give you my two cents’ worth’, ‘Two faced’, ‘Two timer’, ‘Two left feet’ (something my mother used to say about my biological father and my stepdad), ‘Two peas in a pod’, ‘In two shakes’, ‘Two wrongs don’t make a right’, ‘Two fold’ (as in ‘the answer is’), ‘A thing or two’, ‘Two sandwiches short of a picnic’ (which is how I function when I don’t get sufficient sleep), ‘Goody two shoes’, ‘Two dimensional’, and my all-time favorite, ‘Twofer’ (aka ‘buy one get one free’). My friends, the list goes on and on!

There are songs and poems which often reference ‘the number two’, and there’s also a great deal of symbolism behind it. ‘Two’ is pretty small when you think about it, but there’s a lot riding on its shoulders! It’s the only even prime number, it’s considered ‘lucky’ in Chinese culture (unlike here in America where we give ‘seven’ most of the credit), in numerology it represents togetherness, partnerships, relationships and harmony, and it also signifies duality and polarity. As I write, several songs which reference ‘the number two’ loop continuously through my head. There’s ‘Cocktails for Two’ by Spike Jones, ‘Two Hearts Beat as One’ by U2, ‘Two Tickets to Paradise’ by Eddie Money (love him!), and ‘Just the Two of Us’ by Bill Withers and Grover Washington, Jr. Are there more songs which feature ‘the number two’? Of course there are! As much as I’d like to continue on in this vein, because I have to admit, I’m quite enjoying all this talk of ‘twos’, I need to go. By the way, when I say ‘go’, I am not referring to the ladies room, I am referring to my bed. So without further ado (while squeezing in one last mention of ‘two’), I bid you goodnight.

Thanks so much for stopping by! Much love to you and yours!!

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